The Man Code
This is it. So it has been written, so it
shall be....The CODE:
1. Thou shall not rent the movie "Chocolat"
2. Under no circumstances may two men share an
umbrella.
3. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor
party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow
partygoers.
4. When you are queried by a buddy's wife,
girlfriend, mother, father,priest, shrink, dentist,
accountant, or dog walker, you need not
and should not provide any useful information
whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted
to deny his very existence.
5. Unless he murdered someone in your
immediate family, you must bail a
friend out of jail within 12 hours.
6. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a
bar by 50 percent without recrimination; beyond
that, anyone within earshot is allowed to
call BULLSHIT. (Exception: When trying to pick up
a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to
400 percent)
7. If you've known a guy for more than 24
hours, his sister is off-limits forever.
8. The minimum amount of time you have to
wait for another guy who's running late is
5 minutes. For a woman, you are required to wait 10
minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic
1-10 scale.
9. Bitching about the brand of free beer in
a buddies refrigerator is forbidden. You may gripe
if the temperature is unsuitable.
10. No man is ever required to buy a
birthday present for another man.
In fact, even remembering a friends birthday
is strictly optional and slightly gay.
11. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of
a hot babe your buddy is trying to hook up with is
your legal duty. Should you get carried
away with your good deed and end up having sex with
the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it,
even at your bachelor party.
12. Before dating a buddy's ex, you are
required to ask his permission and he, in return
is required to grant it.
13. Women who claim they "love to watch
sports" must be treated as spies until they
demonstrate knowledge of the game
and the ability to
pick a buffalo wing clean.
14. If a man's zipper is down, that's his
problem --- you didn't see nothin'
15. The universal compensation for buddies
who help you move is beer.
16. A man must never own a cat or like his
girlfriend's cat.
17. Your girlfriend must bond with your
buddy's girlfriends within 30 minutes of meeting
them. You are not required to make nice with her
gal pal's significant dick-heads --- low-level
sports bonding is all the law requires.
18. When stumbling upon other guys watching
a sports event, you may always ask the score of the
game in progress, but you may never ask who's
playing.
19. When your girlfriend/wife expresses a
desire to fix her whiney friend up with your pal,
you may give her the go-ahead only if
you'll be able to warn your buddy and give him time
prepare excuses about joining the priesthood.
20. It is permissible to consume a fruity
chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical
beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel...
and it's free.
21. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
22. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively
dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
23. If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned,
or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the
fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours
his actions have caused you to think, "What this
guy needs is a good ass-whoopin", then you may sit
back and enjoy.
24.Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another
man while weight lifting: "Yeah, baby, push it!"
"C'mon, give me one more! Harder!" "Another
set and we can hit the showers."
25. Never hesitate to reach for the last
beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both.
That's just plain mean.
26. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack,
you better be referring to his beer.
27. Never join your girlfriend/wife in
dissing a buddy, except when she's withholding sex
pending your response.
28. Never talk to a man in the bathroom
unless you're on equal footing:
either both urinating or both waiting in line.
In all other situations, a nod is all the
conversation you need.
29.If a buddy is already singing along to a
song in the car, you may not join him...too gay
30.Before allowing a drunken friend to cheat
on his girl, you must attempt one intervention.
If he is able to get on his feet, look
you in the eye,and deliver a "F*** OFF!" You are
absolved of your of responsibility.
31.The morning after you and a babe who was
formerly "just friends" have carnal, drunken monkey
sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and
guilty is no reason not to nail her again
before the discussion about what
a big mistake it was.
